Yellow Constipation

So This time i was on my way out of town for a meeting. I had to be there at 8:00 am and it was three hours away. Driving in a new rental car (my truck was in the shop) I set out. As I left I felt that familiar twinge in my stomach. I knew a shit was a brewing, but I figured I had time to make it to at least the next city (1 hour away). About twenty minutes in, I realized waiting was a bad idea. I was sweating and having severe shit related pains. I figured I was about twenty five more minutes from the closest bathroom (a Safeway store at the entrance to town). I told my stomach to hold out that long and I promised no Mexican food for a month and alot of water.

Well the shit gods were not on my side this day. I hit construction and the road was closed with workers and bulldozers everywhere. I figured that if I didn't drive through the barriers and around the workers I was in serious trouble. I said fuck it. Through the barriers I went and past the workers who were yelling and chasing me. I yelled "I really have to shit though". I hope they understood.


So now I'm squeezing my butt cheeks together and doing lamas breathing. Saying " No...no don't leak my ass..don't leak ".I pulled right up to the entrance of the store and jumped out and started speed walking to the door. A worker who was walking out said to me, "we are closed till 8." It is 5. I stopped about two feet from him and let loose. It was a wet, runny shit that exploded through my shorts, down my legs, and into my shoes (is anyone else turned on?). I was shitting like I was alone; noises, grunts, and everything. So there I stood, face to face with this Safeway employee shitting myself and he had the nerve to say, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "Clearly I could not hold it any longer asshole" I said back. He tells me, like someone who has never shit himself in front of someone before, "You need to clean this up." I told him to fuck off and got back into my little rental car.


Not having a change of clothes, I knew I wasn't making my appointment. I turned for home, just me and my shit soaked clothes. After the longest drive of my life I got home, walked in the house, and got right in the shower, shit filled shoes and all. I got out and went to sleep, not wanting to deal with the shit soaked car. When I woke up I went out to look at how bad it was and saw my girlfriends dad looking over the car (He lived next door). I walked up and told him that I must have the flu or food poisoning. He said to not worry about it and to go back to sleep. Like a real dick I did. He cleaned the car the best she could.


The next day I took the still stinking of shit car back to the rental place. I left it at the drop off spot and got out of there. I can only imagine what the poor Hertz employee smelled when he got in that car. I mean there was shit on the fucking dash. I don't know how that happened.

A STORY OF A FLYING SHIT

A man was walking through paddy fields near his village one day on his way to his mother in law's house in the next village, when suddenly he felt the urge of needing the toilet. The fields were vastly covered in newly grown rice plants in a vibrant green color, and they had reached up to about 30cm tall. The man was getting quite desperate, but he wasn't very confident he'll make it to their house in time. Even then, he'll have to run in without speaking to them straight into the toilet, which would be disrespectful.

The only solution was to shit in the field, which was very open but no one was around. He rolled up his lungi (sarong), and squatted, balancing on his two feet and pressurised his shit to go out.The man shitted on the ground with a blast and then stood up. He looked around to see if anyone was watching, but there wasn't anyone. Suddenly he looked down at a moving object on the ground, and to his amazement, it was his shit which had formed legs and feathers was running,Trying to fly away from him! He felt very happy, and thought to himself, 'Wow, my shit is alive and flying!'. His shit then disappeared into the paddy fields and he carried on walking to his in law's village feeling very relieved.

TWELVE SHITTY BLASTS

In various world religions:-

Taoism: Drain your shit..
If you can shit,do it with attitude.
Shit happens, so flow with it.

Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.

Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit blast,Shit blast".
Confucious says, "If shit has to blast, let it blast
PROPERLY."

Buddhism: If shit knocks, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will knock again to your door next time.
Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will
have salvation with bad digestion.

Zen: What is the sound of shit blasting ?

7th Day Adventism:
Shit knocks on everyday with one day off.

Hinduism: I've seen this shit blasting before.
This shit is not a religion,it is the way of life.
This shit happening IS you.

Protestantism: If shit get rude, it happens in liquid.
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold your hole.

Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholicism:
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you
anyway.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?

Islam: If this shit happens, it is the will.
If shit happens, take a hostage.
We don't make any shitty bombs.

Nation of Islam:
Don't take no shit!

New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit blasts, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.

Jehovah's Witnesses:
No shit happens until Armaggedon.
there is only a limited amount of good shit.
Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit ejects door to door.
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

Secular Humanism: Shit is nothing we all are shit.

Darwinism: If brown shit crosses with black shit then yellow shit forms.

Creationism: And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there
came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.

Christian Science:
When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself.
Shit happens in your mind.

Atheism: I don't believe this shit!
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
No shit!
It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going
to taste it.

Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.

Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so
I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
What is this shit?!
I don't know shit!
How can we KNOW if shit happens?
You can't prove any of this shit!

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Hey, this is good shit, mon.

Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it.
Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)
Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
Our shit is better than your shit.
Shit happens again & again & again ...

Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and happens and happens and ...

Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.


Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!

Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Let's stick some pins in this shit!
This shit's gonna get you!

Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop
happening...

Unitarianism: What is this Shit?
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.

Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes.

EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen.
You're responsible for all the shit that happens.

Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible.
Shit happens, but don't publish it.

SUPERIOR SHIT

Since we are very much indulge in shitty conversations then lets share some more facts and the fact is that in this world there is only one country which is dominating almost all the other countries,we know the countries name ----,So obviously their shit is costlier then ours so they won the title of superior shit.

Shit can also be used to establish superiority over another being. The most common phrase is eat shit! symbolizing the hatred toward the recipient. Some other personal word may be added such as eat my shit implying truly personal connotations. As an aside, the above is actually a contraction of the phrase eat shit and die!. It is often said without commas as a curse; they with the other party to perform exactly those actions in that order. However, the term was originally Eat, Shit, and Die naming the three most basic things humans have to do, and it is common among soldiers.

Interestingly, in slang, prefixing the article the to shit gives it a completely opposite definition, meaning the best, as in Altered Beast is the shit, or The Oregon Trail is the shit. Again, other slang words of the same meaning, crap for example, are not used in such locutions.

MY BULL WILL SHIT ONE DAY

Usage of this word is for something which is not explainable with only SHIT but it should be heavier in weight and shows the anger or frustation..
Bullshit refer to excessively complex, unreasonable, burdensome, offensive, or otherwise unwanted instructions, demands, rules, accounts, explanations, or other verbiage. For example, a contractor wishing to bid on a government job may refer to the paperwork required to do so as "government bullshit."
The expression no shit? (a contraction of no bullshit?) is used in response to a statement that is extraordinary or hard to believe. Alternatively the maker of the hard-to-believe statement may add no shit to reinforce the sincerity or truthfulness of their statement, particularly in response to someone expressing disbelief at their statement. No shit is also used sarcastically in response to a statement of the obvious, as in no shit, Sherlock.

In this form the word can also be used in phrases such as don't give me that shit or you're full of shit. The term full of shit is often used as an exclamation to charge someone who is believed to be prone to dishonesty, exaggeration or is thought to be "phoney" with an accusation. For example:

1."Oh, I'm sorry I forgot to invite you to the party, it was a complete accident... But you really didn't miss anything anyway.

2."You're full of shit! You had dozens of opportunities to invite me. If you have a problem with me, why not say it!"

The word bullshit also denotes false or insincere discourse. (Horseshit is roughly equivalent, while chickenshit means cowardly,batshit indicates a person is crazy, and going apeshit indicates a person is entering a state of high excitement or unbridled rage.) Are you shitting me!? is a question sometimes given in response to an incredible assertion. An answer that reasserts the veracity of the claim is, I shit you not...

A DEMURE PIECE OF SHIT

The word shit is usually considered a vulgarity and profanity in Modern English. As a noun it refers to fecal matter (excrement) and as a verb it means to defecate or defecate in; in the plural ("the shits") it means diarrhea. Shite is also a common variant in British English[1] As a slang term, it has many meanings, including: nonsense, foolishness, something of little value or quality, trivial and usually boastful or inaccurate talk, or a contemptible person. It may also be used as an expression of annoyance or surprise.

The word shit (or sometimes shite in Scotland, Northern Ireland, Ireland, Northern England and Wales) is used by English speakers, but it is usually avoided in formal speech. Minced oath substitutes for the word shit in English include sugar and shoot.

In the word's literal sense, it has a rather small range of common usages. An unspecified or collective occurrence of feces is generally shit or some shit; a single deposit of feces is sometimes a shit or a piece of shit, and to defecate is to shit, or to take a shit. While it is common to speak of shit as existing in a pile, a load, a hunk and other quantities and configurations, such expressions flourish most strongly in the figurative. For practical purposes, when actual defecation and excreta are spoken of in English, it is either through creative euphemism or with a vague and fairly rigid literalism.

"Shit" can also be combined with other words to denote the type of feces one has. For instance, "Snake shit" describes feces that are long and thin in shape, thus reminiscent of a snake's appearance. "Shapeepee" or "Shit pee pee" is another word for diarrhea, or can be used to describe feces that are almost entirely of liquid composition.

Shit carries an encompassing variety of figurative meanings, explained in the following sections.